CAPS Ottawa '93 Conference
July 29 - August 1, 1993
I LOVE ME - ESPECIALLY WHEN I STUTTER
MARY WOOD
I love me - especially when I stutter. You can love you - especially when you stutter.
Have you ever considered yourself lucky because you stutter? Stuttering can be your reason for looking at yourself - and that can lead to loving yourself. Looking at your stuttering may be the start of your journey - the tip of the iceberg.
I think that fluency is a holistic happening. I think it involves your whole being.
The first step in the journey and the basis for becoming a whole person is acquiring self-esteem. So, what is self-esteem? Some people misunderstand what self-esteem is. It is not narcissism which says in essence, "Hey, ain't I enthralling". It isn't bragging - "Look at how great I am". Self-esteem is the opposite of arrogance, "I'm better than you are", and miles apart from self-centredness, "The whole world revolves around me".
Robert Schuller says that self-esteem is being poised instead of tense. It's being confident instead of confused. More than anything else, it's being self-forgiving instead of self-condemning - self-respecting instead of self-disgusting.
When you start to love yourself, you find out what a worthwhile human being you are. You realize that you can have what you need, want or desire (now doesn't that bring up some interesting ideas). You will realize you can have dreams. Sharing my understanding at this conference is a dream come true for me. Most of my life, I didn't think I could have dreams, I didn't think I was worthy.
Life began to change for me at a Bob Proctor seminar on January 21, 1989. Boy, I'll never forget that day. You always remember awesome dates in your life. (That's another goal of mine - an absolutely awesome date). Am I advertising? Certainly.
Seriously though, talk about the student being ready for the teacher! The seminar taught that the mind is in control of the body, so I started to look at the fact that I could be in control of my speech. I started to wonder if my stuttering might be caused in part from my habits or conditioning and my fear - we all know what that word means, don't we?
And I began to ask myself "Why". Why do I do this, why do I feel this way, why does that make me angry. One "why" I asked has had a great effect on my life - "Why don't I like to stutter?" The answer to that one is that I don't think people will like me if I stutter. This is what was at the bottom of my fear and anxiety for 45 years - all those years of feeling lousy about myself. Now I knew what I had to work on - my self-esteem.
There are people who say we shouldn't ask ourselves why. When you ask why, you understand, and when you understand a situation, it is easier to handle - easier to fix.
So let's look at a few ideas of how we can love ourselves - especially when we stutter. We are so much alike, but so very different. What has worked for me may or may not work for you. We are here to learn from each other. So for that reason, we will have an open session for about 20 minutes at the end of this presentation so you can share your experiences and I can learn from you.
How will self-esteem help us?
1. We will realize we are okay just as we are - we don't have to be perfect - our speech doesn't have to be perfect. I think I was a perfectionist because I wanted everything else in my life to be perfect because my speech was not perfect.
2. We will do things we didn't have the confidence to do before. Like joining Toastmasters, speaking to people we didn't speak to before, asking for a job we didn't ask for before, asking for a date without thinking "He won't go out with me because I stutter."
3. We won't feel so rotten when we stutter. A little voice inside will say "It's okay" instead of saying "Screwed up again, didn't you."
4. Our whole world will change because of how we feel about ourselves. It is like starting all over again - starting a new life.
You will attract different circumstances into your life because you are different.
We are very special people. We are usually very intelligent. And we are certainly very persistent. Who else has stuttered 18,349 times while saying their name, and still keep on trying.
Dave, a fellow in our self-help group, met a very attractive lady in a local bar one night. She introduced herself, and he thought "What am I going to do? I always stutter on my name." And so he replied, "My name is Ralph." He started to go out with her, she introduced him to her family and friends. It was driving him nuts because everybody was calling him Ralph. So one night he sat with her at the kitchen table, and said "I have something to tell you. My name really isn't Ralph. She looked at him and said "Thank heaven for that."
Have you ever used an alias? I know I have. One of mine was Mary Smith. How dull and boring! Not very creative, was it?
Let's look at some good things that have come into our lives because we stutter. Good things, you say, you're right out of the trees. But here are some of my good things.
I am at this conference - I wouldn't be here today if I didn't stutter.
I am on an incredible journey - I wouldn't be on this journey if I didn't stutter.
I have met so may incredible people over the past 4 years - I wouldn't have met these people if I didn't stutter.
I have a magnificent obsession - I wouldn't have this if I didn't stutter. I was so absolutely amazed when I found out that there was hope for me and my stuttering that I want to help people who stutter realize there is hope.
Because I stutter, I have faced my greatest fear and realized that I have the courage to face many other fears that were lurking. I sat one day and wrote out 3 pages of fears that I had at one time. I got all depressed and then decided to look at the fact that I have overcome many of them.
You might say that I could have been some place else if I didn't stutter. But I am so happy where I am that I know this is where I'm supposed to be.
So, change your perception and you change your life.
One college student said to the other, "Joe, why are you so popular?" "What do you mean," Joe replied. "Well," said Steve, "don't take this the wrong way, but you are going to be our valedictorian at graduation, you seem to have more friends than anyone on campus, all the teachers really like you. Everything is positive for you even though" (and he hesitated) "you have the birthmark." The student had a huge birthmark which covered one whole side of his face. It was purple and some thought it grotesque. "The birthmark is a real advantage for me", Joe replied. "Ever since I can remember, my dad told me that I was special because of it". He recalled how his father made him feel important because of the scar which other people thought was ugly.
"As a child, my father told me that God really loved me and had a special plan for my life. He wanted to be able to pick me out of a crowd, so he sent an angel who kissed me on my face and left this mark. Now God knows exactly where I am."
Change your perception, and you change your life.
When we start to accept ourselves as we are, this will affect many aspects of your life. Accept yourself as a person who stutters and feel good about yourself.
It's time to tell ourselves that we really matter and it's OK to stutter.
So, here are five ways to improve our self-esteem.
1. Think positive thoughts.
2. Have a good self image.
3. Understand and control our feelings.
4. Like your body - that's not an offer - that's a statement.
5. Look at your higher self, your purpose, your spirituality.
1. Think Positive Thoughts
It just knocked my socks off when I found out how powerful our thoughts are. Thought is compared with the speed of light. Our thoughts travel at the rate of 186,000 miles per second. No other force or power in the universe yet known is as great.
Positive thoughts attract positive circumstances into our lives - negative thoughts attract negative circumstances into our lives. Positive thoughts empower us - negative thoughts weaken our ability to perform.
We have positive thoughts by saying positive things to ourselves. Did you know we can say as many as 50,000 things to ourselves on a single day. And 77% of what we say is negative. That means we say 38,000 negative things to ourselves every day - 14,052,500 negative things in a year - and 1,053,937,500 negative thoughts in a lifetime.
Who needs it! That sucks! If you had a friend who was as negative as this to you, how long do you think they would be your friend? And yet we do this to ourselves every day.
Our self-talk depends on our programming - the thoughts we have sent to our subconscious mind over many years. The subconscious mind is listening and waiting for instructions. It doesn't care what we tell it - it just follows orders. Isn't that awesome - and a little scary at the same time.
Our programming then creates beliefs, beliefs create attitudes, attitudes create feelings, feelings determine actions, and actions create results. So, it all begins with our programming.
Did you know that our attitude is either 90% of our solution or 90% of our problem? I think we should do attitudinal therapy before speech therapy. If we go into speech therapy with a good attitude, our results will be so much better.
We can change our programming through affirmations which are positive statements we say to ourselves. Say an affirmation for 30 days, and it is yours - you own it. Affirmations are such powerful tools. How may you use affirmations? I'd like to share a couple of my favourites with you.
Number one on my hit parade is "I am love, I am joy, I am enough" For many years, I didn't know that I was "enough". I thought I needed someone else to make me feel good. Just nine little words - but have they ever made a difference in my life!
Another one is every day in every way, I am getting better and better. The third one is "no matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person". Has that one ever come to my rescue on many occasions.
Your worth is established by the fact that you are here. You are all winners. You won the greatest race of all - the sperm race. When you were conceived, 50 million sperm were racing to reach that egg. And you won! There are no losers in this room - only the winners made it.
And then we entered the real world - we listened to what people told us we should do, listened to what they told us we should be, how we should act, how we should think (if you were taught to think at all). Now we have to change this programming because most of it isn't ours - it is somebody else's.
What we think about is what we get. My stuttering was a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. When I answered the phone, there was this little voice in my head that said, "Mary, you're going to stutter". When I said my name, I expected to stutter. When I spoke, I expected to stutter.
What we think about is what we get!
What we produce in our minds is what manifests in our world. We need to change our programming! We need to think positive thoughts.
2. Self Image
Do you know how important your self image is? It can either make you or break you. It is either for you or against you.
What is your self image? Is it of someone who is lacking in self-confidence, of someone who is not well dressed and well groomed, of someone who feels uncomfortable in a group, of someone who cannot ask for what you really want in a restaurant.
If this is how you see yourself, you are seeing someone who is not capable, not able to have a normal lifestyle. To change this, you must change your self image because you must have a picture of what you want to be or do.
We have all tried to lose weight at one time or another. I can't count how many diets I've been on! Do you know what picture some people have on their fridges? A pig - so what does that reinforce every time you open the fridge door - that you are a pig.
A friend of mine kept saying that she was gaining so much weight she felt like an elephant. And guess what - she was getting to look like one.
When I came out of high school, they hired me at Stelco as an experiment because I stuttered. I was very hurt and angry. Those feelings were there because of my own self image. I did not see myself as a person capable of getting a job even though I was a Grade A student. I think I would have taken any job anybody offered me because of who I imagined myself to be.
Marcia is a Down Syndrome adult. She is also a nationally sought-after public speaker and author. She is an educational assistant with the Hamilton-Wentworth Roman Catholic Separate School Board. She is also the founder and president of the Hamilton chapter of People First, a self-help group for disabled adults. Not bad for a woman whose parents were once urged to place her in an institution because she'd been born with the extra 21st chromosome.
What do you think her self-image is? This is what Marcia says "I expect to be living in the community like a regular person, to have my own job and wages. We should live independently like a normal person. We're adults. We're not kids any more. Treat me like an adult. Give me opportunities."
Marcia is doing what she is doing because this is how she sees herself.
A lot of times we scare ourselves rather than motivate ourselves with the pictures in our head. As an example of this, let's try a little imagery.
Sit up straight and close your eyes, and you will have a big surprise. Imagine that you have been asked to speak at a conference. there are at least 500 people in the audience. You are standing on the stage, peaking around the curtain, looking out at all those faces. A man walks out to the lectern and introduces you. Your heart is thumping so hard you think it is going to jump out of you chest.
You start to walk across the stage and everyone can hear your heels on the hardwood floor. You can hear a pin drop the place is so quiet. Your heel slips on the shiny floor and there is a gasp from the audience as you teeter back and forth for a second.
You arrive at the lectern, put your notes down, and look out into the audience. They are all staring at you, waiting for you to speak. You open your mouth, but no sound comes out. You are blocking on the first word.
How many noticed something change in your body when you did that? What were some of the changes? What did you feel in your body?
Now let's look at the same situation in a different way.
You have been asked to speak at a conference. There are more than 500 people in the room, but that is okay. You know that speaking to 500 people is no different than speaking to 5 people. It's all in your head. You peak around the curtain on the stage and see that everyone is smiling and happy to be there.
A man walks up to the lectern and gives you a wonderful introduction. This really makes you feel good. You walk across the stage with confidence and put your notes on the lectern. You look into the audience and can feel their good thoughts and see their smiling faces. You open your mouth and say "I am so pleased to be here today".
How did you feel now? Any difference in your body changes?
You didn't leave your chair and yet you've gone through all those body emotions.
Your body cannot tell the difference between a real event and an imagined event. We scare ourselves all the time by imaging bad pictures. When we image bad pictures, we feel the fear as if it is real and then we don't act. If you are feeling scared, you are scaring yourself. It is the imagined response that is scaring you because you feel you can't handle it.
This is what happens when you are scared to answer the phone - or any other situation. It is the picture of the person answering the phone and laughing at you or making fun of you that scares you. We usually think about the bad experiences we've had on the phone - not the good ones.
Has there ever been anything in your life that you couldn't handle? Raise your hand if there has.
I would like to suggest that's not true. If you couldn't handle it, you wouldn't be here. It might have been tough to handle it, but we make it.
Image yourself to be relaxed (I've been doing that all morning - is it working?), confident, comfortable in a large group, able to order what you want in a restaurant.
So, have pictures of who you want to be in your mind, on your walls, on your bathroom mirror, so this image is always with you.
On my night table, I have a picture of me speaking to a Toastmaster meeting. This reinforces who I want to be and can be. It also reminds me that I have come a long way. It just amazes me that I want to spend the rest of my life doing what I feared the most.
Image good things in you life. Image yourself who you really want to be - not who somebody says you should be - but who you really want to be. Remember, the picture we have up here can mean either success or failure.
3. Feelings
Our problem is not our stuttering, but how we feel about it and ourselves!
We feel embarrassed, we feel worthless sometimes, a lot of the time we feel angry and scared. Fear and anger are two of our worst enemies. Because we spend so much time feeling angry and afraid, we need to understand these emotions.
I hid my feelings about stuttering for so long. I didn't know how to talk about my feelings because I didn't understand them. So let's see if we can understand some of these feelings.
There are several levels of feelings. First, there is anger - the self hurt - then fear and doubt, remorse. Then there is an "I want" stage, and finally forgiveness.
Getting angry doesn't help. It only attracts more anger. The only person it really hurts is you! So let's get rid of that stuff.
Under the anger is self hurt. If someone laughs at us when we stutter, our first reaction is to get mad because they're laughing. Underneath that, the more vulnerable feeling is that we're hurt, that they don't understand how we feel when we stutter.
Underneath that is the fear and the doubt. The fear that we're not lovable and capable, that we're really not important, that maybe they won't like us because we stutter. Maybe they treat us that way because we are only people who stutter.
When someone used to ask me who I was, the first thing that came to mind was that I stuttered. Now, lots of marvellous things come to mind - I give them a list. I'm positive, intelligent, have a good sense of humour, I'm a good mother (have you got an hour or so?) - and somewhere down the line (if it is there at all any more) is that I stutter.
And then there is remorse, a sense of guilt for our actions. The feeling that says "I've done it again. It's all my fault. I should've done better."
We can't stop here. That's where a lot of us stop. We have to do the next stage.
And that is the "I want". I want you to look at me when I stutter. I don't want you to laugh at me when I stutter. We have to ask for what we want. Listeners are not mind readers and they need to be told.
When we can do the "I want" stage, then the next stage is easier.
The next stage is forgiveness - the forgiveness stage isn't for the other person, it's for you. I forgive you for laughing at me when I stutter. Wow - isn't that a heavy one! But how do you feel when you had the guts to say something. There is a real sense of accomplishment. Your self-esteem goes up a notch.
So something that you thought you were doing for somebody else, you were really doing for yourself. Knowing this might make it easier to talk to the person about forgiveness.
Everybody wants to be loved and appreciated, and the above exercise will help us to feel that way. It might seem like a lot to do, but it's worth it.
Most of us don't talk about our feelings because we don't want to look at what the self doubt is. Whenever you are upset about anything, there is some fear inside.
Let me give you an example. My boss called me into her office and gave me heck for not getting a project done, even though I was doing another girl's job and mine at the same time. I got mad at her. But why was I mad? The self-hurt was that she didn't understand how busy I was. What was the fear underneath? Our office is still waiting for the decision on this social contract and we are not sure where our funding is coming from. So the bottom line is I thought I might lose my job if my boss isn't happy with my work.
One of the most important lessons I've learned is that we are in charge of how we feel. Other people don't make us feel stuff! When we are angry, it is our own feelings of inadequacy somewhere inside that make us feel angry. When we feel scared, it is how we feel about ourselves inside that makes us feel scared. Nobody makes us feel anything. We do that to ourselves.
If I said to you that I didn't like you because you have orange hair, what would you say to me? "I don't have orange hair". But if I said I didn't like you because you're a thoughtless and inconsiderate person, you might get angry because somewhere inside you might feel that you are thoughtless and inconsiderate. It's not what I say that is making you angry, it's how you feel about what I say.
Our self-esteem has to get better so these things don't bother us anymore. So that when people laugh at us when we stutter, we can hear that little voice that says "no matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person."
For people to accept us, we first have to accept ourselves. People feel awkward when we speak because we feel awkward. They can read our energy.
I don't think it is the other person's responsibility to make us feel good when we stutter. That is our responsibility.
I feel it is our responsibility to educate our listeners about how we feel when we stutter. Have we ever thought about how they feel when we are taking two minutes to say something that should take thirty seconds. How they feel when we block on a word and make weird faces and hand gestures? Have we ever asked them to have patience with us. How do we expect them to understand when we don't understand. We have to know and let them know.
If we educate the public, maybe somebody won't have to go through what we went through; some child in school won't have to go through the hell in school that we did. Vlad's films are such a wonderful example of this.
Love yourself when you stutter - feel good about yourself just the way you are. Actually, this takes away some of the fear, the anger, embarrassment and anxiety. When some of that goes, your speech gets better too.
Changing is firstly a matter of becoming honest with your feelings. We cannot be ashamed of our feelings. We must express them. Look at them and understand them.
4. Love Your Body
What is your body for? Your body is a vehicle for getting the more important parts of you around - your brain, your mind, your feelings, your essence.
Don't expect this vehicle you are in to be a Mercedes-Benz - don't envy those bodies that look like a Mercedes-Benz. I drive a Volkswagen. It doesn't look like a Mercedes and, better still, doesn't cost like a Mercedes, but it still gets me where I want to go.
How much time do we spend thinking that we don't like our nose, we don't like our legs, we don't like our chest. For men, too much hair or too little; for women, chests are either too big or too small. I never liked my hair because it is too thin, but then I thought that at least I have hair. Can you imagine a bald woman. Now bald men are different - they're sexy.
Look for the positive and not the negative. Look for what you have - not what you don't have. Concentrate on what works, not on what doesn't work.
An excellent example of this is the story of Judge Sam Filer. It is one of the most inspiring stories I have read in a long time.
Judge Sam Filer has Lou Gehrig's disease. This incurable, terminal neurological illness has gradually made the 57 year old judge a quadriplegic and robbed him of almost all movement. He can't walk, talk or breath on his own. But Judge Filer has chosen to live life to the fullest.
Together with his wife Toni, who is his loyal sidekick, Morse Code interpreter and chief cheerleader, Judge Filer has chosen to fight to remain on the Bench. So far, he's succeeded.
Although he no longer hears cases in court, Judge Filer goes to the courthouse twice a week to adjudicate on matters in his chambers where the parties don't have to be present.
He moves in a wheelchair, breathes through a respirator, eats through a feeding tube and, using either the baby finger on his left hand or his jaw, taps Morse Code onto an electronic switch which translates the words to a laptop computer with a voice synthesizer. Just imagine, all that to speak.
He also blinks his eyelids in Morse Code which his wife painstakingly translates letter by letter. "I love the law", he blinked in a recent interview (that's his magnificent obsession). "I am proud to be able to serve my community in my present capacity which in no way impinges on my ability to see, to hear, to think, to read, to reason, and to remember".
Talk about concentrating on what is working for you. Whenever I get upset because my day isn't going well or my stuttering is going well, I think of Sam Filer.
When you love your body, your body knows it. It will work so much better for you. Take care of it - maintain it, just like you do your car. Eat healthy, exercise regularly. Lead a balanced life. We need to remember to go out to play. You're never too old for recess.
We have to learn that who we are on the inside is much more important than what we are on the outside.
You can spend $5000 to have a face lift. But most of the lines in your face come from what is happening within. Heck, if I ever got my face done, then the whole body would have to be done. And I don't have that much money.
And then there are women who get breast implants. What they are saying is that "he won't love me unless I'm a 38C".
People do these things because they don't have enough self-esteem to realize that people will like them just as they are. They think the outside is more important than the inside - and just the opposite is true.
Sometimes we need cookies and milk in the afternoon, and a nap now and then. Ask for a hug if you feel like one. Hugs are a very important part of life. Virginia Satir says we need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and twelve hugs a day for growth. Man, what an excuse to get hugged.
Loving your body is part of loving yourself. You are so much more than the outer shell that everyone sees. People will start to see some of the inner you when you know it is there.
5. Higher Self
There are three levels to a well-balanced life - spiritual, intellectual and physical. We need to acknowledge the first level - our spirituality, our purpose in life, our higher self.
Dr. Wayne Dyer states that "we are all spiritual beings having a human experience". Most of the time, we perceive ourselves the other way around.
So we have to look at this and believe in the wisdom that created us. When we do this, we will banish our doubt and overcome our fears (sounds pretty good, doesn't it).
We need to get in touch with our inner self, our soul, or whatever we call the force we all have inside of us to find direction in our lives. We need to get our minds on the purpose and forget about the outcome. By doing this, we won't be caught up in the fear that accompanies any endeavour.
What is your purpose in life? What are you here for? Finding out what you are here for adds a dimension to your life that wasn't there before. Suddenly you have a focus, a reason for living. It makes your days more exciting, and makes decisions about your future a lot easier. It makes your life simpler.
We are entitled to be, and have the ability to be, the person we choose to be. We can achieve all that we think we can. there are no limits. As the Bible says, "As you think, so shall you be".
Ending
May you reach this understanding. May you wake every morning just happy to be alive. May you realize how wonderful you are.
Four years ago, my #1 goal was to be fluent. Now my #1 goal is to love myself, just the way I am.
We have so many good things working for us, we are so much more than people who stutter. We are okay just the way we are.
I never expected to receive the best because I didn't think I was worthy of it. We can ask for the best - because we are the best. We have more persistence than anyone else I know. We keep trying to speak fluently every day of our lives when some days it would be so much easier to just say nothing. We keep going into situations that have been painful for us in the past.
We really matter!
Up until four years ago, I spent two hours a night sitting on my couch watching TV. Now I might watch two hours a week because I've got other things to do. Last year, five other women and I wrote a book entitled Winning Women - a book written by six women who found that they can take charge of their lives. I am doing speaking engagements. What I feared most in my life is the way I make a living - speaking in public. I am sharing with others the understanding that has led me from the living room couch to the lectern.
In 1977, Laura Schultz came running out of her house to find her grandson trapped under the rear wheel of her car. She picked up the car, all by herself. just imagine - a 63 year old grandmother who picked up a Buick. The only other heavy thing she could remember lifting was a bale of hay.
Later when asked how she did this, she said she didn't want to talk about it. It made her realize that if she picked up the car and didn't think she could, how many other things had she never done because she didn't think she was capable.
The person interviewing her asked her what she really wanted to be when she grew up. She told him she wanted to be a geologist. So at 63 years old, she went back to school, got her degree and started to teach geology in a Florida college.
You can do whatever you want to do. Don't let your life go by without taking the risks, without loving yourself, without asking for what you want, without knowing what a powerful loving being you are.
Change your belief system, find the truth, and then have the high self-esteem you deserve. This doesn't happen overnight. But it is worth every single minute.
The ending of this conference is really the beginning. May you realize that you can have dreams, and may your journey be the amazing journey it should be.
We really matter! We can love ourselves - especially when we stutter.
